A Bit Of Honesty

I have debated with my self if I should post some of the ugly.  I decided that I absolutey should.

I'm not being dramatic when I say that I had 2 of the scariest days of my life while in EE.  January 18th and 19th of 2011 are two days I will never forget. 

January 18th I was holding Isabelle and Taylor asked, "Mom, can I stay here another week?".  My answer of course was "absolutely not".  Taylor had met a boy in the region Isabelle's orphanage was in.  He is a very nice young man and I too liked him very much.  But I was not about to let her stay there alone for another week.  Taylor did not appreciate this answer and could NOT AT ALL understand where I was coming from.  She was beyond upset and she got to the point of saying she was just going to leave.  Leave the apartment and head back to the boy by her self.  I have never, ever in my life been so sick with fear.  What was I going to do???  I tried thinking quickly of all my options.  I couldn't think of any except to beg her to please reconsider.  Now in most instances I have control.  This one - I had none - I was defeated.  Taylor knew that I was nervous in this city of the unknown and she knew she had the upper hand.  Even though I am the parent - I promise you when I say - I had nothing to go on.  We argued - she screamed at me for about 2 hours.  I was crying begging her to please calm down and talk about it reasonably.  Well, then she left.  I just sat there holding Isabelle, praying as hard as I have ever prayed.  Begging that she would be safe.  She returned after 15 minutes and I Thanked God.  She was still furious with me and made me promise some things before she agreed to go home to the USA with me.  Those promises are for another post.  I was so scared to sleep.  I was afraid she would leave while I slept - so I didn't sleep and she didn't leave. 

January 19th Isabelle woke up in the morning so happy.  She was smiling and laughing.  I was exhausted from crying for 12 hours and not getting any sleep.  But we had lots to do at the Embassy, so I had better get it together.  I was still very emotional, I couldn't hold back the tears.  So I got Belle dressed and ready to go.  I asked Tay if she was going with us and she said "no".   Then I realized how exhausted I was physically and emotionally and I asked her if she would please come and help me.  She did.  So we get to the Embassy and Belle just doesn't seem to feel good.  A lot of squirming and grunting noises.  Then she starts screaming and doesn't stop.  We left the Embassy and there are lots of people outside the Embassy and they are just staring at us.  One man came up and held Isabelle's foot and was yelling at me in Russian because she didn't have a shoe on. (The shoes I brought were too big, the kept falling off so I didn't put them back on).  So we are looking all over the streets for our driver and we can't find him.  I am starting to feel so stressed and burnt out.  Taylor was so helpful - Thank God!!!  She would hold Isabelle and she would help find what ever papers the Embassy needed - I was useless.   I decided to go back in the Embassy where at least she will be warm and maybe we can find the other family that was there.  So we go back in and she is still just screaming.  I felt so bad for her.  Nothing I tried helped.  We got to a chair and I sat and rocked her, she started to calm down a little.  We found the family and we all went back outside and then found our driver.  Then we had to go to the medical.  Isabelle stopped screaming for about 30 minutes but after she had her exam she started screaming again and didn't want to stop.  Then we had to go back to the Embassy but we had 45 minutes before our appointment.  So our driver dropped us off at a diner.  We went in and same thing, every one just stared at us because Isabelle was so upset.  She fell asleep after about 10 minutes and then it was my turn.   I sat in that diner and just cried like a baby.  I had nothing left - I was done- I was defeated.  I had thought I just made this huge mistake.  I just took this baby out of the only home she has ever known and I thought this was a good idea?  I couldn't believe what I had done.  No one asked Isabelle what she wanted.  We just all assumed we were doing the right thing but she was suffering now because of this huge transition she had to make.  So I was thinking about Taylor and Isabelle and Oh My - What have I done???  I honestly believe I had a real nervous break down.  I am not sure what one really is but I had something that I have never felt before.  I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't make sense of anything.  Poor Isabelle cried the rest of the evening until she went to sleep.  I was starting to feel better but then I started stressing about the flight.  How was she going to be able to travel?  How would we get through 22 hours in travel?  I thought I had posted on this blog asking all of you to please pray for Isabelle ( I just realized today that I had posted it on another blog - just another example of what a MESS I was) Then I got on my knees and cried and begged GOD to please help.   And did HE ever.  We had the BEST trip.  Isabelle was the BEST baby traveler EVER.  She just played, smiled and reminded me every second why we were bringing her home.  I hate that I questioned even for a second that I was doing the wrong thing.  It was NEVER that I didn't Love her, but I thought maybe it just wasn't fair to her.  I was so WRONG!!!!  She deserves a new life!  And she is just so SWEET, so LOVEABLE!  She deserves every bit of this new life!  She deserves every kiss, every hug, every "I Love You".  Yes, the transition is not easy on her little body but she is in the RIGHT PLACE. 

7 months of an emotional roller coaster this journey has been and I guess it can take a toll.  The reason I decided to share this is because if anyone else loses direction they can know that they are not alone.  I hope never to be in the dark place again!!!  I am just so Grateful we are all home.  

Thank You GOD!!!!!!!!

Pictures tomorrow, I promise.  I just felt I needed to get this one out of the way and put in the past right where it belongs!!!!!!