Friday, January 21, 2011

A Bit Of Honesty

I have debated with my self if I should post some of the ugly.  I decided that I absolutey should.

I'm not being dramatic when I say that I had 2 of the scariest days of my life while in EE.  January 18th and 19th of 2011 are two days I will never forget. 

January 18th I was holding Isabelle and Taylor asked, "Mom, can I stay here another week?".  My answer of course was "absolutely not".  Taylor had met a boy in the region Isabelle's orphanage was in.  He is a very nice young man and I too liked him very much.  But I was not about to let her stay there alone for another week.  Taylor did not appreciate this answer and could NOT AT ALL understand where I was coming from.  She was beyond upset and she got to the point of saying she was just going to leave.  Leave the apartment and head back to the boy by her self.  I have never, ever in my life been so sick with fear.  What was I going to do???  I tried thinking quickly of all my options.  I couldn't think of any except to beg her to please reconsider.  Now in most instances I have control.  This one - I had none - I was defeated.  Taylor knew that I was nervous in this city of the unknown and she knew she had the upper hand.  Even though I am the parent - I promise you when I say - I had nothing to go on.  We argued - she screamed at me for about 2 hours.  I was crying begging her to please calm down and talk about it reasonably.  Well, then she left.  I just sat there holding Isabelle, praying as hard as I have ever prayed.  Begging that she would be safe.  She returned after 15 minutes and I Thanked God.  She was still furious with me and made me promise some things before she agreed to go home to the USA with me.  Those promises are for another post.  I was so scared to sleep.  I was afraid she would leave while I slept - so I didn't sleep and she didn't leave. 

January 19th Isabelle woke up in the morning so happy.  She was smiling and laughing.  I was exhausted from crying for 12 hours and not getting any sleep.  But we had lots to do at the Embassy, so I had better get it together.  I was still very emotional, I couldn't hold back the tears.  So I got Belle dressed and ready to go.  I asked Tay if she was going with us and she said "no".   Then I realized how exhausted I was physically and emotionally and I asked her if she would please come and help me.  She did.  So we get to the Embassy and Belle just doesn't seem to feel good.  A lot of squirming and grunting noises.  Then she starts screaming and doesn't stop.  We left the Embassy and there are lots of people outside the Embassy and they are just staring at us.  One man came up and held Isabelle's foot and was yelling at me in Russian because she didn't have a shoe on. (The shoes I brought were too big, the kept falling off so I didn't put them back on).  So we are looking all over the streets for our driver and we can't find him.  I am starting to feel so stressed and burnt out.  Taylor was so helpful - Thank God!!!  She would hold Isabelle and she would help find what ever papers the Embassy needed - I was useless.   I decided to go back in the Embassy where at least she will be warm and maybe we can find the other family that was there.  So we go back in and she is still just screaming.  I felt so bad for her.  Nothing I tried helped.  We got to a chair and I sat and rocked her, she started to calm down a little.  We found the family and we all went back outside and then found our driver.  Then we had to go to the medical.  Isabelle stopped screaming for about 30 minutes but after she had her exam she started screaming again and didn't want to stop.  Then we had to go back to the Embassy but we had 45 minutes before our appointment.  So our driver dropped us off at a diner.  We went in and same thing, every one just stared at us because Isabelle was so upset.  She fell asleep after about 10 minutes and then it was my turn.   I sat in that diner and just cried like a baby.  I had nothing left - I was done- I was defeated.  I had thought I just made this huge mistake.  I just took this baby out of the only home she has ever known and I thought this was a good idea?  I couldn't believe what I had done.  No one asked Isabelle what she wanted.  We just all assumed we were doing the right thing but she was suffering now because of this huge transition she had to make.  So I was thinking about Taylor and Isabelle and Oh My - What have I done???  I honestly believe I had a real nervous break down.  I am not sure what one really is but I had something that I have never felt before.  I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't make sense of anything.  Poor Isabelle cried the rest of the evening until she went to sleep.  I was starting to feel better but then I started stressing about the flight.  How was she going to be able to travel?  How would we get through 22 hours in travel?  I thought I had posted on this blog asking all of you to please pray for Isabelle ( I just realized today that I had posted it on another blog - just another example of what a MESS I was) Then I got on my knees and cried and begged GOD to please help.   And did HE ever.  We had the BEST trip.  Isabelle was the BEST baby traveler EVER.  She just played, smiled and reminded me every second why we were bringing her home.  I hate that I questioned even for a second that I was doing the wrong thing.  It was NEVER that I didn't Love her, but I thought maybe it just wasn't fair to her.  I was so WRONG!!!!  She deserves a new life!  And she is just so SWEET, so LOVEABLE!  She deserves every bit of this new life!  She deserves every kiss, every hug, every "I Love You".  Yes, the transition is not easy on her little body but she is in the RIGHT PLACE. 

7 months of an emotional roller coaster this journey has been and I guess it can take a toll.  The reason I decided to share this is because if anyone else loses direction they can know that they are not alone.  I hope never to be in the dark place again!!!  I am just so Grateful we are all home.  

Thank You GOD!!!!!!!!

Pictures tomorrow, I promise.  I just felt I needed to get this one out of the way and put in the past right where it belongs!!!!!!


  1. Thank you for sharing Summer. HUGE HUGS to you Sweetie!! Praying that you get lots of rest and the peace of God surrounds you and your family as you love Isabelle through her transition period. She is where she should be, just reemember that.

  2. The people who read the other blog were for sure praying for you all. :) Thank you for sharing so honestly and intimately.

  3. Wow, what a ride. I tend to think that Satan knows perfectly well how Isabelle is going to change you and your family and he was doing everything he could possibly do to in a last-ditch effort. Not that he would make her cry, but just how he got you and Taylor down like that. Thank heaven for miracles that bring us out of our darkest of times. And that Isabelle is now right where she belongs.

  4. Oh Summer, I have to say I know all those feelings even if I haven't traveled to EE. Your mind, body and spirit gets to a place where you just think you can't recover from but by the grace of God you do.

    I'm so glad that you're home safe and sound.


  5. The enemy's attacks can be vicious and often hit us when when and where we are weakest -- praising God that you sought Him and were blessed with His Presence through Isabelle's flight home. Praying you continue to seek His Face through the next phase of this journey.

  6. What a ride it has been for you....
    Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with all of your blog readers.
    Take care & God bless


  7. Oh Summer. I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic end to this journey. I took my 14, almost 15 yr old with me; I can only imagine your terror. Thank goodness she was just as ready as I was to come home. Poor Isabelle. We had a few major meltdowns with Dashlyn too. Fortunately none were at the Embassy! I can count on only one hand though the ones we've had all together and it seems like she's adjusted here so well. I'm sure you will have an easier adjustment at home too. As always, prayers my friend!

  8. Thank you for sharing with us so openly Summer, you are such a strong person and I have such admiration for you, I'm so glad you're home with your girls now!!

  9. Oh goodness, you poor thing! We adopted our daughter at age 7, we had 2 bio boys at the time. Girls scare me to death!! How old is Taylor? I am really curious to hear how you talked her down. Whew! I can't wait to see pictures! I love the fist few weeks home while everyone is getting to know each other! Belle is going to love being a part of your family!

  10. I am so thankful that you and your beautiful daughters are home, safe and sound, despite the trials of those two dreadful days. Long-distance teenage romance is never easy, and the emotions are very real - when I was barely 16, I fell hard for a boy who lived 500 miles away, so can understand how hard this has been for Taylor. I am so thankful she made the right decision.

    Isabelle is precious. I'm glad your flight home went well, and hope you all get lots of rest this week.

    Very best wishes,
    Susan in Ky
    RR supporter and cousin to two from Ukraine

  11. One last attempt from the evil one to put doubt in your mind and hurt you. Too bad he doesn't have a snowballs chance in H*** to come anywhere near you or Isabelle anymore. She is rescued and safe in your arms where she belongs. I'm so sorry you had such a hard couple of days, but they are over and you made it!!!! And isn't it just beautiful now!!
    Please give your Dumpling a squeeze and a kiss from me.

  12. Summer, thank you SO much for sharing! So many people hide the negatives. But as you said, if someone else is going through it, it helps to know that you not the only one. And I am sure that you are not the only one!!! Our new daughter to be is 6 years old, and I am terrified that she won't want us. Although I try hard to push that thought from my mind, it is there.

    When I was 15 - 18, my mother and I had MANY issues and moments similar to the ones you had with Taylor in EE, although our will always within our provience. I clearly remember all of it, and as an adult, and a mother of daughters, can clearly see all sides of it now too. If you ever want to chat about it, please don't hesitate to write to me

    So glad that your journey to Belle is fianlly over, and that she is HOME!!!!!! Hug that beautiful little girl for me.

    Blessing and hugs,

  13. A friend of mine told me that I couldnt honestly tell her there werent a day or two when I felt like I had made a mistake. I have had a day or two like that. I appreciate your honesty and others will as well. People need to know the truth about adoption and the truth is some days are crazy, some sad, some exhausting, some depressing and some amazing!, some wonderful! some beautiful!

    Hugs to you.

    Be blessed

  14. Oh Summer...I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. Not a good way to end your trip! I'm SOOO glad she traveled so well on the way home. What a blessing from Heaven! Love you!

  15. Why are you adopting more kids when your biological children would rather stay with a stranger in Eastern Europe than come home with you? Honestly, what are you thinking? You need to beg your child to not leave you stranded in eastern Europe and then you stay up all night, thinking she will leave as you sleep, yet you obstinately believe you can take care of more children? I'd love to hear the reasoning on that. I loved the comment from Heather saying: "I tend to think that Satan knows perfectly well how Isabelle is going to change you and your family and he was doing everything he could possibly do to in a last-ditch effort. Not that he would make her cry, but just how he got you and Taylor down like that." Good thing we have a talented demonologist on the roster here. I never would have guessed that Satan could manipulate a teenager to throw a fit about some European boytoy but can't manage to make an infant with down syndrome cry. You people really need to start using some reasoning skills and not leave everything up to your imaginary God. I’m sorry for my harsh comments, but you people need some sense knocked into you. I’m seriously concerned for your newly acquired daughter. You take her out of an orphanage and then immediately show her a “2 hour” screaming match. The kid must have been terrified. Please, just start thinking rationally, and good luck –I think you’re really going to need it.

  16. Wow people can be so horrible sometimes, it makes me wonder why God puts up with us sometimes. Thank goodness He's in charge and not me!

    LOL @ Taylor-what the heck are you thinking???

    btw-I just read your response to the comment above and I really love you for your honesty and the love you were able to convey to someone who is a coward and was hurtful on purpose. One step closer to Jesus, you are an inspiration!

    prayers for you \o/

  17. Reading about Taylors fling in EE just sort of scares me. perhaps I watch too many movies but it just reminds me of meeting that charming stranger from abroad. who says and does all the right thing, with his english cloaked in his accent and charms the socks off a girl... only to whisk her away in an underground life of sexual servitude and prositution on a black market where so many young girls and women are lost in ee.

    I cant say this is what he was, but it just worried me that she was able to find and fall for someone that quickly... what was that about? I'd be keeping an eye on her still now... and praying